Reflections: Life, Change, Judgment, Control + Inner Rigidity
REFLECTION SATURDAY:
All about: LIFE Update, Moving Past Self-Judgment & More
Hello beautiful beans.
Again, it’s been another while since my last posting. My ambitions of maintaining any sense of consistency and regularity with posting were thwarted when I realised how intense third year of varsity is. That, paired with a deep journey of renegotiating my relationship to social media meant that much of my energy, time and Presence has been directed into different areas of my life. Namely: my most immediate lived reality, my cherished relationships + connections and really walking my own talk + living what I teach. This has been really important for me. It’s given me the space + time that I have needed to fill my tank first. Now, having my tank full + feeling deeply nourished by my own life I feel more ready and willing and OPEN to share again.
It’s currently my first day of holiday from University - we have a week break to help recalibrate at this busy time of the year. It’s an understatement to say I am excited for this time of rejuvenation, self-care and connecting back to my creative juices. My creativity has been completely subdued the last few weeks as I’ve been life-ing. When I have had moments of time for myself I’ve been so tired that all I’ve wanted to do was nothing. And literally, I mean nothing. Never mind create recipes, content or sharing reflections.
As briefly mentioned above, I’ve also been on a BIG journey of re-evaluating how I relate to certain aspects of my life that have for many years had a very stable meaning and function. In this process of re-establishing how I relate to them, I had to pull away from them and give them room to breathe. In this spaciousness, that which needed time to marinade, integrate + heal did exactly that. Through this process of stepping back I understood, felt and consequently, healed in more expansive ways than I could have imagined. More specifically, these aspects being: yoga, food + social media.
All three of these aspects played a very important role in my healing journey from addiction and mental health instability. Now that I am moving further and further from these addictive patterns of thinking and behaving and going deeper into the journey of recovery, I am finding that the meaning and function these aspects play in my life are also demanding change. At first this was really unsettling because I didn’t understand why I was resisting them. They had also always been such stable points of comfort, growth and expression for me. But, as soon as I realised why I was experiencing this (and that it was actually a good sign because it showed me how far I’ve come so as not to desperately NEED these aspects anymore for a sense of being okay in the world) I was able to become more okay with the change that was needing to take place.
How did this look for me?
The predominant feeling was that of resistance and a sense of rebellion. A lot of my internal narrative looked like this:
“I don’t wanna do yoga today”.
Or, “I don’t feel I have anything I want to share today”
OR, “I know this will make me feel better, but can’t I just learn to be a functional human being without the reliance on these aspects of my life that have previously provided me with a sense of healing?”
OR “how can I reconcile the journey of continuing healing but also acknowledging how healed and WHOLE I am right now? There is nothing that needs fixing”.
OR “I just wanna chill and feel like a regular student: not burdened by addiction or perfectionism, or the discipline required to maintain my practice or the hustle of social media or of making beautiful, wholesome food”
So, as you can see, it was a mixture of learning to blissfully not have to rely on food, social media or yoga to feel okay. This part was great. But on the flip side, I often felt like a petulant child: just simply feeling stubborn about doing things I know make me feel good + make my life rich and meaningful. I think it was a necessary time and part of my process, to step back and just BREATHE. I had to step back from all the meaning. I had to simply feel what it felt like to immerse myself in the student life, of doing my thang, feeling young + frivolous. That in itself was healing in a whole new way.
One thing I learnt was that often we find these things that make us feel good + okay and therefore they become highly functional in our lives. But at other times, it’s really good to challenge those things: to do the opposite. This allows you to make deep contact with the experience of discomfort, of pushing your limits and of essentially realising that you are NOT those things. AND, now that I’ve had my time of exploring that space of rebellion and actively doing the opposite of what usually made me feel good I’ve been able to come back to a more expansive relationship to all three of these aspects. Here is how:
1) I’ve come back to my yoga practice with a deep desire to do it not from a place of desperation for healing or from a place of “I have to” but out of a deep desire to explore my inner world and meet myself in strength on my mat instead of only meeting myself in times of vulnerability and the NEED for it.
2) I have come back to social media with a deep appreciation for this incredible community of The Healing Root and a belief in what I do and share – after my talk in Cape Town on the Energy of Food I needed to come back to my WHY behind all that I do here. After receiving so many beautiful messages from people via Instagram as to how they have found some healing and light from The Healing Root, it has re-invigorated me and given me a new sense of direction as to why I do what I do, why I share what I share and reminded me that it is of immense importance and value to me. To connect with all of you beautiful humans in such a meaningful way has honestly inspired me so much and filled my tank to the brim. Thank you for all being here with me and for sharing some of your journeys with me, too.
3) I have come to point of deep freedom with my relationship to food: one that I can honestly say is healthier than it has ever been. For this, I am so incredibly grateful. The transition away from identifying with veganism was a really tumultuous and difficult time for me. But, it made me realize how much I was identified with certain ideologies and how I tied a sense of my innate worth as a human being with this way of living. This has pushed me to expanding my soul beyond food labels, beyond seeing certain foods as good + bad and has ultimately afforded me true food freedom. This food freedom (freedom in my choices of food) has really given me much more than simply food freedom. It’s given me life freedom. I didn’t actually realise how much of my lifestyle and food choices were “protecting my shit”. Only through my life experiences of dealing with my hectic stomach issues was I forced to re-evaluate everything I understood as objective truth. I realised that health is NOT black and white. And that often having overly rigid ideas around what health is, or about what foods are good and bad constricts you and closes you off to life which in turn only feeds into the perpetuation of illness both mentally and physically. Obviously, the ethical aspect has been the hardest part of this transition. However, I have reconciled this by finding the most ethical and sustainable sources of animal products like eggs and fish. I also realised, that I am not going to be living my fullest potential if I have a constricted Soul, and looking at this in relation to my journey it became clear to me that I have to do what expands me so that I can more fully live and more fully serve from a place of authentic engagement with my unique ‘baggage’ (comprising of past struggles + experiences).
Reflections on Change, Control + Judgment:
Why is it that we resist change so much? I think because it’s unpredictable. Change means that the perceived consistency, and the relatively stable structure of how we relate to and make sense of life is being challenged . With that, the ego mind panics (through tensing against, and resisting life) because it feels threatened by the expansiveness of our limitless Presence that demands change in every single moment.
In times of being in limbo, in times of ambivalence or transition and unpredictability this is when we can most intimately contact and connect to one of the most foundational aspects of LIFE itself: change. Change demands of us to stay OPEN. It demands of us to release our mental need for control as a way of feeling safe in the world and it demands of us to recognise our own dynamic nature which is essentially constant change, motion and fluidity. As soon as we fully recognise and accept this, we become a lot more open to life – beyond our preferences, beyond our judgments and beyond our perfectionism/or controlling tendencies.
I think to one degree or another we all experience a level of perfectionism or the need to control – whether it is an overarching theme in your life or perhaps only rears its’ head in certain aspects of your life. What has helped me a lot in unpacking and understanding my own tendencies and patterns has been constant, and rigorously honest self-inquiry. This often either takes the shape of journaling, inquiring as I go for a long walk or inquiring through my yoga practice. Anything that takes you into a deep and truthful engagement with yourself.
Inquiry Points:
(these often help me to unpack and understand these parts of myself)
1) What parts of you feel so unsafe that you need to externally control something in order to feel like life is and will be okay? What happens if, instead of trying to control, you let go of the tightness in your mind, body and heart in relation to what you are trying to control or fixate on and instead invite ease and grace into your present moment? What if, instead of contracting, judging or berating those aspects of yourself that try to control, you extend a tenderness of heart and a deep understanding – that simultaneously holds space for why you feel you need to control but also recognises that you don’t need to?
2) I think one of the main reasons we fear letting go or making peace with the nature of change as a very fundamental part of our lives and lived moments, is that we often subconsciously believe that if we lose control, those parts of ourselves which we perceive as “negative” or “bad” will get out of control. In other words, we subconsciously believe that by controlling or judging ourselves we are keeping ourselves ‘in check’. But, in actuality, what this way of relating to ourselves does is fragment us. It creates discord. It creates dis-ease, dis-harmony and an intense rigidity inside. What IF, you were to instead of fearing your perceived negative parts, you saw them as simply a part of your lived experience and not a personal fault on your behalf. We are human – our “negative bits” are not something we need to get under control or stifle. Notice what happens when you simply give them space to be here, too. What if you let go of the tight grip of judgment and instead infused these areas of yourself with a deep sense of, “it’s okay for you to be here” and “you belong to me too”. In this, we can more fully access and LIVE our wholeness. In releasing the need to control the expression of what we deem as less worthy within ourselves, we let go of its’ power over us in this moment. This frees us up to loving and living more. This process teaches us to let go in order to move into the very expansive nature of WHO WE REALLY ARE. Judgment of self keeps us small. Judgment of self keeps us resisting change. Judgment of self keeps us contracting to life. Judgment of self keeps the heart and the mind closed. Judgment of self keeps us distant from others. Judgment of self makes it easier to judge others which causes more separation and pain. So, let’s love ourselves and meet ourselves as we are right now fully – without the undercurrent belief of “I need to change” running our lives. Trying to judge ourselves into change is not an effective or sustainable or enlightened way of trying to bring our true selves to the forefront of this moment. What IF you were to rather lovingly direct yourself into positive action and engagement instead of forcing yourself there through the harsh voice of your inner critic?
3) Instead of letting the fear of failure be what drives you, instead of letting the fear of the emergence of your inner most critical voice be what guides you, instead of letting the fear of unfulfilled potential be what sets you into motion, why not try something different? Why not try true PRESENCE: presence that holds every aspect of who you are right now, in love.
4) Offer yourself a love so pure, so unconditional, a love that is not informed by your expectations of self but a love that recognises your connection to the whole, a love that recognises the journey you’ve been on without pity, but without the dregs of self-directed perfectionism – a recognition that holds space for every moment of your lived journey without judgment, without needing to change any of it.
ESSENTIALLY, let yourself BE your fullness, in all of your contradicting glory, as you are, in this moment, right now.
NOTE:
Just to point out and be REAL with y’all this is stuff that I work with internally on the DAILY. Just because I teach and talk about it, does not mean I have reached this point of total self-love and acceptance. In fact, I often experience an inner rigidity that is so hard I feel I might shatter. However, it is precisely this deep and intimate engagement with this rigidity (trying to understand it’s roots, trying to understand when and why it emerges as it does, understand its’ function and its’ lessons) that affords me to expand into its’ opposite: loving, accepting, growing, healing and knowing.
Wow, things got heaty there. I have really been feeling these feels as I’ve been writing this. Haha. Anyway, that is just some of what I have been reflecting on, living, and working with in my own life the last few weeks and I would LOVE to keep hearing from you all if you feel inclined to share your thoughts on this or your own journeys.
With all of my love
Maria
